 Lesson List |
19.1 Negative Self Talk and Realistic Thinking
Verywell Mind is a free resource for people seeking to improve their mental health. The articles that it publishes are reviewed by psychological professionals. Their web site came up when I did a google search on a topic that I think is a very important topic when it comes to mental health which is negative self talk. You can read their article on the subject The Toxic Effects of Negative Self Talk by clicking here. Here is a paragraph the author Dr. Elizabeth Scott wrote about negative self talk.
We all have an inner critic. At times this little voice can actually be helpful and keep us motivated toward goals—like when it reminds us that what we're about to eat isn't healthy or what we're about to do may not be wise. However, this voice can often be more harmful than helpful, particularly when it gets into excessive negativity. This negative self-talk can really bring us down.
I became aware of my negative self talk when I was an a picked on adolescent. I thought to myself if negative self talk is bringing me down why not try and think the opposite. Although I was able to help myself in that way, it is hard to do and often the opposite is wrong too. There is a famous book written to help people be happier and more successful called "The Power of Positive Thinking". Although there is a lot of truth in that book, I think that a book that would be even better would be called "The Power of Realistic Thinking". I just googled that title since it's been my experience that almost every time I've had a good idea someone's done it already and sure enough that book has been written. It was written by Donald McCullough and is titled The Power of Realistic Thinking: How to Cope When How-To Books Fail. The interesting thing about believing in the power of realistic thinking to make your life better is that, that is a positive thought. Most of the time becoming more realistic in our thinking can make us happier and more successful.
Supposing an uncoordinated person lacking physical ability wants to become an Olympic pole vaulter and believes that if we just believe in ourselves we can accomplish anything. That's a positive thought but in his case not a true one. That person could waste a lot of time and experience a lot of frustration trying to be a great pole vaulter. If instead he believed in the power of realistic thinking he might think the realistic positive thought that he could be an OK pole vaulter and enjoy being one even if he doesn't make it to the Olympics. This is an example of how you can wind up happier believing in the power of realistic thinking than in the power of positive thinking. One thing that is likely to happen if he decides to believe he can be a great pole vaulter is he might blame himself for not achieving his goals. I actually remember witnessing a good pole vaulter cursing at himself when he didn't make it over the bar. He was good but he wasn't Olympic material at least not at the time I saw him cursing himself. He was attacking his own self esteem with his negative self talk (cursing himself). Why was he doing that? Probably for the same reason people whip horses in horse racing.
People who whip their race horses believe that by doing so they will motivate their horses to run faster. Yet one of Australia's greatest horse was never whipped. Like the jockeys the pole vaulter was using punishment to achieve his goals although instead of motivating a horse with a whip he was motivating himself to jump higher by attacking his own self esteem. If we want to be happy in life giving ourselves a psychological whipping is not the way to go. Being compassionate to ourselves is.
I have found a much better and effective way to motivate myself to accomplish something is to tell myself "you can do it" in a positive way. Lets say I have the urge to eat more than I should during the day. Telling myself you can do it when I try and resist works a lot better than whatever negative thoughts I use to motivate myself in the past. Also instead of self criticism I try self praise. If I leave the kitchen without stuffing some delicious food into my mouth I tell myself something like "good job". Another way to motivate myself is to remind myself of the benefits of doing the behavior I should do. Losing weight brings lots of benefits and I can remind myself of that.
Although I used to try and think the opposite of negative thoughts I don't do that anymore. It's too hard and stressful and as I have explained false positive thoughts can be harmful to. Instead when I observe myself thinking negative thoughts I make an effort to stop it. Usually I can. I think people are naturally happy if they don't attack themselves with negative self talk. It's not necessary to try and think positive things that aren't true to be happy it's just necessary to not dwell on negative thoughts that aren't true.
If you think negative thoughts for a long time and things get bad it's hard to be positive and the negative thoughts may become self fulfulling. A great example of that is the belief that you can't succeed at something when you are capable of achieving it. By convincing yourself that you can't do it, you won't try and won't succeed in doing it. If you do this repeatedly you could wind up in a bad depressing situation and that could confirm to you that your negative thoughts are true. If you try and be happier you may find that you can't. It's important not to give up. It just takes time. If you think realistically, things will probably improve.
It's important to emphasize that sometimes negative thoughts are good. Supposing there have been a lot of robberies in your neighborhood. The positive thought of "I don't have to worry it won't happen to me" could result in you not taking precautions and locking your door or even closing it. The result could be thieves entering your apartment or house. This is another reason why realistic thinking whether negative or positive is the way to go.
|
Lesson List |
